Thursday, August 30, 2012

Positive Perspective

I am not gay.
I am not straight.
In the same way:
I am not white.
I am not brown.

The lucky individuals who get to identify themselves with any one of these cultural groups feel they are entitled to reject me because I do not entirely qualify (according to them). I don't want to generalize but typically, I find it much more difficult to tell my gay friends I'm seeing a guy than it is to tell my straight friends I'm seeing a girl. And my middle eastern family is much less inclusive than my Caucasian side of the family.

Obviously there are exceptions - but I can't help but think some of these dilemmas are why I cannot seem to find a social group. The fluidity of my nature is not very relatable and I think people, in general, aren't sure how to empathize with my stories or my lifestyle. Not to mention, I think that everyone feels a sense of pride regarding their identities and a sense of exclusivity enhances that sense.

This is a dangerous road to go down as I have, over the years, come up with many theories as to why I struggle to establish a social circle. Not to mention people flat out tell me things likes "You're mean.", "You're rude.", "You're too pretty so girls don't like you.", "You're shy.", "You're weird."...etc. (you can substitute "Your'e" with a "You come across as..." before any of those). Either way, there is some sort of faulty wiring in my design and I believe this because it appears other people notice it.

I guess the most productive thing to do is brainstorm a solution and/or change my perspective.

I'm beginning to think that I should simply be more grateful for the brief friendships I have (the friends of my lovers) as well as the few long-term friendships I have (3, however, I feel two of them slipping away as I type this - one is quite literally, going away on Saturday). Overall this ties into an exercise I heard about in a TED talk yesterday that I am attempting over the next month. It is an exercise in adapting a positive perspective on life. Check out the following:
Essentially, in the last 2 minutes, he tells you how to be happy in the present. It is so simple an exercise that I have decided to try it out for myself.

I am hoping for the best. I know my unhappiness (no matter how temporary) is my own doing and I know I can fix it.

Sunday, July 22, 2012


This is the first summer in many years where I have actively spent time outdoors. I am overcoming my hatred of sweating because there is, essentially, no escaping it. It's a small step, but it's growth.

On another note. I can't help but notice the cyclical nature of my social life. Even regarding some of my oldest friends, they all seem to move away or get bored of me. I suppose it's a sign that I am doing something wrong and I may need to change how I approach my relationships. It's difficult to stay positive when all the people you care about eventually reject you.

I suppose I either need to try harder or stop altogether. There seems to be no place for me between the two.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Negativity & Self

I am an extremely self-deprecating individual. I'm not sure why i am this way but it's coming to my attention that it affects others in a negative way.

Regretfully, I feel kind of lost when it comes to remedying this situation.

Too tired to get into it.

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Technology & Humaness

I watched Zeitgeist for the second time and it evoked the same emotions it did originally. The lies don't surprise me - above all they simply disgust me. Rather than feeling outraged over what is revealed in that film, by the end of it I always feel deeply moved by the clip from the film 'Network' as well as the last quotes they play. I'm not sure who it is that is speaking but the way they speak about our power as humans and our oneness with the Earth...these are the words that strike me.

I am immensely saddened by our overall lack of love for each other as human beings. As we invest more and more of our lives (and emotions) into technology, we get more and more disconnected from our most unique and powerful trait as human beings: our ability to love. Technology (in most cases) desensitizes us by not only making us think we should care about our appearances and what others think of us, it also makes us think that feelings of jealousy, inadequacy, anger, hate, isolation, prejudice and sadness are normal every day emotions. They are simply part of life, part of 'reality'. In my opinion this is utterly and morally wrong.